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I ran into a cool blog/article. I had read the text before in a feed filling Facebook post http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html. Its title is …kind of morbid, but the intention is indeed inspirational. It fits nicely into my non-regret posture of “Wishing it, won’t make it happen, living it, will”. If you want something, try imagining it first and keep doing that, living it before it’s there, until it feels inevitable that you should have it and the only thing missing is you having it.

At the same time, writing this post follows on the weirdest warped and unstructured thoughts pushed on to me by my mind. In all blackness, more than darkness, first me and mom are walking the streets, going somewhere, to have diner. Suddenly I realize I left something in the house and walk back to fetch it. Leaving her, saying she will be fine and I will catch up. I never did, I lost her coming back. Second, now three of us went swimming, again all blackness, more than darkness. Two of us in a rubber boat, moving away from mom, who is in the water, where we pushed off. Was, no response on my loud voice. I go back for her, I swim down then up against heavy tides, strangely both ways strong pulling tides. The piers I pass are of the houses at Republic, an outdoor place I frequented growing up. I can’t find her. It seems as if some time has passed, I am apparently looking outside, a view from my bedroom window. On the streets, a police car stopped not far from the house. Weird, it’s not a Dutch car, not a Paradise car, but a US Sheriff’s car with red flashing lights. There seems to be something stretched on the street next to the car. I can’t see what it is.

They call it bad dreams. This text is as unstructured as the warped thoughts themselves. I do not refer to it as imagining a want as above. That would be structured, controlled, directed. No regrets.